I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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