i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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