i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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