I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
