Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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