I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
