hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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