You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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