You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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