I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
