I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
