it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
