I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
