walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
