do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize