Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
