In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
