Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
