Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
