I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
