Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I AM VODKA MAN
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
