You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
