At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
