Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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