I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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