Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
