I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
