Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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