Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
