then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
