Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
