i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
