i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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