Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
