Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
