my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
