Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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