Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
soo... how was my night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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