I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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