His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
there is glitter all over my balls
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