I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
