Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
