I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
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so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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