good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
