i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
