I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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