I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
