They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize