I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
