During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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