Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
