What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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