I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
