I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
